Double Trouble

I have been neglecting this blog, but I do have a good excuse, if you care to hear it. It all started when I was stood-up. I sat for over an hour in a bar in London and she didn't show. Typical. But that's not what has been occupying me lately.

I left through a set of revolving doors and stood outside for a moment to get my bearings. It was then I noticed what at first I thought was my reflection in the window to the bar; but when it moved when I didn't I assumed there was a guy in there who looked exactly like me. And I mean exactly.

I was so stunned that I went back inside. God knows what I was intending to do.

I went up to my double only to find him looking, with great distress, not at me, but over my shoulder to the street outside, where there stood, and I swear I am not making this up, another guy who looked just like us.

He appeared extremely disorientated, spinning around and scratching the top of his head, upon which the hair was thinner that I would have hoped.

My double and I exchanged glances. By that I mean I looked at him and he, in turn, looked at me. Motivated it appeared by one will, we squeezed out the revolving door into the street only for two more of us to enter the bar on the other side.

There were now five of us.

The two inside panicked and ran outside, making seven. I slowly walked all the way around the revolving door, which made eight.

At this point, one of us started screaming and this spread throughout the group, during which some must have made for the door again because when the screaming stopped and I conducted a head count, there were thirteen of us, both inside, and outside the bar.

"Okay," I shouted, holding my hands up, "will everybody please stop walking through the door!"

Actually, I used an expletive between 'the' and 'door' but the story loses nothing by its omission.

I stood before the window and instructed those inside to go out round the back, into the beer garden, where the rest of us would meet them.

That they did and there we were: thirteen absolutely identical in every way human beings. We attracted some looks, I can tell you!

After a brief conference, we walked back to the front of the bar and watched others walk in and out through the revolving doors without incident. One of us took a closer look and saw a brass plaque riveted to the side. On it was engraved the name and address of the manufacturer, which we knew was only a few minutes walk away. So off we went, huddled together like emperor penguins.

The office was open and we let ourselves in. In the waiting room were groups of doubles -- if you can get doubles in groups. Perhaps someone else can tell me. The point is, we weren't the only ones. There were groups of three and five, but, admittedly, none of thirteen. Upon seeing us, the secretary buzzed through to her boss, who came out from his little room and stopped dead when he saw us.

"Why didn't you stop when there were a few of you; didn't you realise something was up; I mean," he asked, really quite exasperated, "what were you thinking?"

(Again, I have chosen to omit expletives from the text, but you miss nothing vital.)

Embarrassed, we were ushered into his office ahead of the ones in the waiting room.

"Where did this happen to you?"

We told him.

"We sent out a faulty batch of doors by mistake," he explained. "We're trying to track them down for a recall."

"That's fine," said one of my doubles (it was impossible to tell which), "but what are you going to do about us?"

"No need to worry. The effects will wear off in a week or two."

Despite the man's insouciance, we did worry. Two weeks suddenly seemed like a very long time. I mean, where would we all sleep, for a start.

"If you don't want to wait that long," he added, anticipating our objection, "we installed an escalator at Holborn tube station that reverses the effect. We don't know how or why but it does. Just take the down escalator and before you have all reached the bottom everything will be back to normal."

We thanked him and went straight for Holborn station. But to get to the escalators we had to buy tickets, which cost a small fortune, but once through we went straight for the escalator.

Or rather, I went straight for the escalator. The others were hanging back, looking far less certain. I encouraged them on in word and deed but to no avail. Then one of them spoke up. I won't attempt to reproduce the speech word for word but the upshot was that they didn't want to go down the escalator as it meant committing suicide. They may only have two weeks to live, at most, but they wanted to make the most of it.

This seemed absurd to me, since, after all, they were me and wouldn't be missing out on anything. It was then I noticed something strange: we weren't all absolutely identical after all. Physically we were, but we differed in other ways. It was difficult to tell at first but as I looked from face to face I began to see changes in personality.

One looked very lugubrious, for instance; another looked nervous; while yet another looked impossibly arrogant.

"Come on, don't be ridiculous," I said, and I made a grab for the timid-looking one.

"Leave him alone," said a voice from the back.

The group parted and through stepped a version of me that was hideous. It's difficult to explain but he just looked like pure malevolence. It was in his eyes. He also seemed to dominate the others because when he told them to grab me they did as he said.

They walked me from the station and all the way home where they tied me to a chair, all under the instruction of malevolent me.

As I watched them interacting I could see what had happened and why it was such a bad thing. Each double represented a different side to my personality. Together, they balanced each other out, but individually there were no checks. Arrogance, to give one example, once detached from humility was out of control; and malevolence, without the counter balance of benevolence, was just dangerous.

They emerged from a group meeting and announced they were going to have some fun, but that I'd have to stay tied to the chair, while they were out.

This went on for over a week. each morning they would tie me up and go out and each evening they would come back and untie me. But upon each return, the feeling and dynamic within the group was altered.

Malevolence and arrogance and one or two of the others whose characters I could not place grew more and more contented, while the others -- the better sides to me -- became increasingly troubled.

God knows what it was they did when they went out.

Thankfully, a few days ago they started to vanish as the effect wore off. Malevolence was the last to go and he wasn't happy about it.

I am just worried that they might have done something that will come back at me. I keep waiting for the police to knock at my door or for friends to hang up the phone as soon as they hear my voice.

If any of you got any weird emails that didn't seem like me over the last ten days then I apologise, but they really were not me. Other than that, I just have to keep my fingers crossed.