The Seven Mortal Sins

Well it's about time the Vatican updated the seven deadly sins with seven mortal ones for us to avoid. I have been lobbying them for years to do this and they finally sat up and listened. I am, however, disappointed that they didn't go far enough. (The list of mortal sins I drew up for them ran to 356, but more of that later.)

For those of you who are so terribly remiss as to not know what the seven deadly sins are, here is a little reminder: Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust, Anger, Greed and Sloth. (Note that I didn't write out a list of the seven dwarfs as a 'joke'. What do you think I am: a hack?)

Obviously, they were always going to be woefully inadequate; so the Vatican (bless them all) have added, as mortal sins: environmental pollution, genetic manipulation, accumulating excessive wealth, inflicting poverty, drug trafficking and consumption, morally debatable experiments and violation of fundamental rights of human nature.

Now for the cynics amongst you: shame! Clearly, the Vatican's finger of accusation points back at themselves when it points at us. The very fact they put the accumulation of excessive wealth in there, despite the terrible inconvenience this will cause them when they sell off all their gold and art and give every penny raised to the poor, shows just how committed they are.

What's that? You don't feel that an organisation that has such a sinful history of torture, politically motivated murder, corruption and misogyny has the right to tell you how to behave? Well, who else would you rather tell you? Someone who wouldn't know a sin if it turned into a snake and spoke to them or someone who has genuine, first-hand experience of sin and knows very well what it is?

Come on . . .

And don't try to tell me that an experiment that is morally debatable is not necessarily a sin: if it is so morally ambiguous that people are debating it, it's a sin. Got it? In fact, no more moral debates! At all. What is there to discuss? It's all written down now as clear as an angel's tear drop.

And here are my proposals for some more mortal sins:

The use of clichés.

If 'at the end of the day', you wish to 'take the the positives' and 'move forward' to a 'brighter future', get yourself to the confessional for a good cleansing; and, if you can possibly manage it, do so in a straight-forward and unambiguous manner. (This especially applies to the England cricket team.)

Speaking your truth.

This is not to be confused with being truthful, which is generally a Good Thing. Speaking your truth is something you do when you give a harsh and unasked for assessment of a person's deficient character with the subtlety of the German advance on Leningrad.

Upward inflection.

If you end every statement with an upward inflection, thus making it into a question, you're going to hell if you don't ask for forgiveness. But to help you avoid being damned, I will begin answering your statements as if they really are questions:

You: So I went to the shops?

Me (interrupting): Wait, wait, I should know this one. Don' tell me . . . yes! You went to the shops. Go on, ask me another.

(Trust me, you will tire of this long before I do.)

Asking a redundant question.

Under this category can also go 'stating the bleedin' obvious'. If I tell you the story of how I was once held hostage by the Taliban in Afghanistan for six months with a sack over my head, while being beaten with sticks, don't then ask, 'But you managed to get out?' Not when I am standing there in front of you at least. Have some self respect. If you do ask, it's ten Hail Marys and fifteen Our Fathers for you.

The rate of technological development.

I for one am tired of buying the latest mobile phone only to be embarrassed by a man in the pub whose newer version of the same phone glides across the bar by means of an anti-gravity device to him when he whistles; or having a computer that last week was perfectly capable of completing the most basic tasks but this week is to the better and cheaper machine at my local PC World what sundials are to the atomic clock at the Greenwich observatory. No one is saying you should stop; just slow down. Failure to do so will result in a few thousand years in purgatory to think about it unless you repent.

Anti-depressants.

Not anti-depressants in general. Just those that, as a side effect, may cause depression. It's just too stupid; and if I have my way, it will soon be a sin to be that stupid.

Giving names to taxes.

Environmental taxes, road taxes, congestion charges, income taxes, taxes on income (they are different to each other, according to Tony Blair), windfall taxes, airport taxes, inheritance taxes, fuel duties, community charges, road tolls, value added tax, taxes on pensions (worthy of a sin all of its own), tax taxes and taxes on taxes (back to that tax on pensions thing again!) . . . all have something in common: they are taxes. Stop trying to kid us. Especially stop trying to kid us that environmental taxes will go to help the environment, that road taxes are spent on maintaining the roads and that income taxes go on anything other than paying the interest on the money you borrowed from your central bank, which you could have so easily lent to yourself for free as has happened many times in history, thus rendering income taxes completely unnecessary. Stop the pretense. A tax is a tax is a tax. Anything else will be a sin.

Okay, I think my point is made. Well done to the Vatican for taking a stand.