Great Uncle Percy

Isn't it wonderful news that Osama Bin Laden's driver has been put behind bars at last? I know the process has been drawn-out and has attracted much criticism, but when Guantanamo Bay produces results like these I for one sleep more soundly in my bed. All the CIA have to do now is set up cab companies along the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan then wait for the phone to ring.

It reminds me of my Great Uncle Percival Augustus Seymour, KBE, MBE, BBC, IBM, AT&T. He worked for British Intelligence in the 1930s and went to live in Berlin where he kidnapped Hitler's barber and, when the position was advertised a few weeks later, he applied and got the job. Hitler took his grooming very seriously, not only keeping his hair and moustache neat, but also having his pubic hair shaved into a swastika.

It was Great Uncle Percy who first discovered Hitler had only one testicle: information which he sent back to London where they set about making good use of it by composing mocking songs to maintain morale and later dropping leaflets all over occupied Europe with the following joke printed on them:

A man with three balls walks into a bar and bets Hitler they have five balls between them. Hitler gratefully accepts the bet, before pulling his trousers down and declaring: 'There's my one, where's your four?'

Great Uncle Percy continued in his role till Hitler's death by suicide in 1945. During that time, he subtly undermined Hitler's authority with a succession of haircuts designed to render the Fuhrer less captivating to the German people. No photos remain, as the Nazi propaganda machine had them all destroyed, but it is well known within our family that the haircuts Great Uncle Percy gave Hitler included a delicate bob that reached to just above his shoulders, the straight fringe later made popular by Audrey Hepburn and a complete shaven appearance, which would become the 'Skinhead' look adopted by neo-Nazis decades on.

Over time, as his apparent obsession with his hair appeared to take control of him, Hitler's position of leader became eroded as the inner-circle of the Nazi Party and the German people themselves began to question his fitness to lead. This led eventually to him walking into that Berlin bunker with dreadlocks woven in and his most senior officers unable to hide their mirth. No longer able to command the respect of his men, he shot himself.

After the war, Great Uncle Percy went on to cut the hair for Chairman Mao, Stalin, Castro, Pol Pot and the Beatles, among many others, feeding London with a stream of invaluable information about each during the early years of the Cold War.

He is also credited with creating what would one day become known as the 'Jennifer Aniston'.