The Law According to Me

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, has said he thinks Muslims ought to be able to opt out of state law and, instead, have their disputes settled by sharia law. I think this is a splendid idea; not least of all because I assume, in the name of equality, this opt-out option is open to us all and I also would like to take it up. The following are the laws I shall be enforcing without compromise should such a thing come to pass. You'd do well to familiarise yourselves with them now to save any unnecessary unpleasantness later on.

First of all, ATMs. No user of an ATM will be permitted to spend longer than thirty seconds at one of those things if I am standing behind them. I mean, honestly, there is no reason for it taking any longer than that. It is no place to do your monthly banking. Either go into the branch during working hours or do it online. If both those options are closed to you then might I suggest that this level of personal finance is, perhaps, something you're not ready for? Maybe stuff your savings inside your mattress. Also, and this especially goes if I am next in line, if you remove your card from the machine and for some reason feel the need to slide it back in I am legally entitled to drive your head into the wall. Okay?

Petrol stations (gas stations for my American friends). If you get your petrol from a station that has attached to it a mini-market and you wish to do a little shopping after filling up, park out of the way of the pumps, go inside, pay, then by all means, buy your bread and milk and whatever else. However -- and I cannot stress this enough -- if you leave your car at the pump and make me wait while you shop you will come out with your heavy bags to the sight of me, having doused your car with petrol, tossing a lighted match at it. You will have no recourse in law. In fact I shall have the right to sue you for the price of the petrol.

Staying on the motoring theme, in areas where it is difficult to find a place to park a car, if you are careless enough to take up two spaces your car will be impounded. Notice I make no mention of a fine that needs to be paid: it will just be impounded. That's it. You will never see it again. If you sit in middle lane of the motorway and you're not overtaking anybody and I come up behind you I shall phone through your licence plate and you'll receive 12 points on your license. That means an instant ban, of course, and you'll have to pull over and stick out a thumb. Oh and, yes, one of those sticks on your steering column is an indicator (for signalling, again for my American friends). Before setting out on your journey why not have a little play around until you find it and then use it for the benefit of all those drivers out there who are NOT FUCKING PSYCHIC! Failure to comply will result in death by firing squad.

Moving on, as we have a lot to get through, if we are at the same party and you see I am not dancing, do not for a single moment assume I am not enjoying myself. I don't mind you asking -- once -- but if I have to work hard to convince you I am actually having a good time, despite my lack of presence on the dance floor, I will have you arrested for harassment. Moreover -- and let me make this absolutely clear -- just because I may not at that time feel like dancing, it does not mean there is a cancer in my soul. I am still a good person. If you suggest otherwise you shall be rendered incapable of having children.

When travelling by plane, do not unbuckle your belt and stand up before it has finished taxiing. I don't care that it is dangerous. In fact, I hope the plane hits something and you're thrown forward, breaking your neck against the cockpit door. It's just that it's stupid. You're not getting off until they're good and ready to let you; and why is it so important you get your bag down from the locker before anyone else anyway? You don't honestly think you'll somehow manage to be the first person in the history of airports to avoid the sort of crowd that makes you wish you had a water canon? Seriously, stay in your seats. If you don't, we'll confiscate your passport for ten years.

Take a book onto trains with you. When you get the urge to take your mobile phone from your pocket and start aimlessly sending asinine text messages, or playing games or -- if you're truly hoping to have your eyes gouged out with a spoon -- sampling your ring tones, read a book instead. You might actually enjoy it. Possibly you'll learn something. You'll at least look remotely intelligent instead of like a mouth-breathing moron. Failure to comply will lead to your thumbs being snapped off. No more texting for you.

Learn to speak properly. No grunting is allowed. I don't want to have to decipher your non-sequitous ramble of barely coherent drivel. And no, I DON'T know what you mean, so please stop asking at the end of every 'sentence'. If you don't have the courtesy to at least try to make yourself understood then leave me alone. Bother me and I don't care how old you are, you're going back to school. All of it. This time, pay attention.

If you are a private delivery driver and you've been contracted by, say, DHL to deliver a package to me, I really do not mind if you cannot find my house. Ring me and I will guide you in. But lie and tell your bosses you tried delivering it and I wasn't at home, when I have been sitting there waiting for you between the hours of 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. and I will recommend to the judge a custodial sentence. Get to me at five minutes to six and I will not push for anything more harsh than community service.

There will also be spot checks at busy shopping areas. If you cannot demonstrate that you are there with the intention of actually buying something you'll be rounded up, de-loused and forced to spend one night in the cells to regain your senses.

If you work in tele-sales and use one of those automatic diallers, be warned. I don't want to ever pick up my phone and have to say 'Hello' three times before you get to me. If you don't have the courtesy to be there when you ring I have nothing to say to you. But I am not an unreasonable man. I know you're just an employee. On the other hand, 'I was just following orders' was not considered an adequate defence at Nuremberg and it shan't be by me either. You will be taken from your cubicle and hanged by the neck until you are dead.

I shall be adding more laws as they occur to me, but I don't want to appear too dictatorial. After all, the world would be a far, far better place if everyone were to follow the above simple and perfectly reasonable rules.